Thursday, 23 April 2009

Apa bezanya?


John Gray (in his book published in 1992) says

Men are from Mars
Women are from Venus

But few days ago..
I seen this

Men are from earth
Women are from earth

So which one??


Pernah dengar tentang buku ini?? Suatu ketika dulu sering disebut-sebut tentang perbezaan gender antara lelaki dan wanita.. Perbezaan sifat dan sikap mereka yang saling bertentangan.. terutama apabila melibatkan komunikasi sama ada di tempat kerja.. sosial.. tempat tinggal.. tempat awam.. dan seterusnya..

Buku itu ditulis dengan tujuan untuk saling memahami perbezaan-perbezaan itu.. dan supaya ia mampu saling lengkap melengkapi.. Semenjak tulisan itu dicetak pada tahun 1992.. pelbagai organisasi dan individu telah menggunakan istilah ini sebagai bahan untuk menjelaskan sifat-sifat wanita dan lelaki ini.. dan tidak ketinggalan juga terdapat banyak buku-buku, artikel, jurnal malah tesis telah dihasilkan untuk menyokong dan menolak beberapa fakta yang telah dijelaskan dalam buku tersebut.. Ada yang bersetuju dan menerimanya sebagai satu dasar dalam menyampaikan ciri-ciri perbezaan tersebut.. dan ada juga yang menolak istilah itu maka wujudlah beberapa ayat seperti..

'Men are not from mars' dan 'Men are from earth and Women are from earth'

Apa juga istilahnya.. setiap kita perlu saling lengkap melengkapi.. jika dalam satu organisasi itu jika hanya dikendalikan oleh 100% wanita pun.. tak seimbang juga kan.. dan jika satu organisasi itu juga 100% adalah lelaki juga tidak seimbang.. malah 'boss' lelaki dan wanita juga punya cara mereka tersendiri dalam mengendalikan tanggungjawab mereka.. Ada pro dan kontra setiap mereka.. Yang utama bagaimana kita menghadapi dan mengendalikan situasi dengan baik..

Ini termasuklah jika pemandu kereta itu adalah wanita atau lelaki.. maka akan ada rungutanlah jika pemandu itu adalah wanita.. (rasa nak kokak jek lelaki yang cakap tuh.. hehehehe walhal dia pun kdg2 2X5 juga)

Here some useful article

So how we handle pressure in relationships is causing more stress?

Definitely. If a working woman has a partner who understands, it becomes a stress reducer.

If she knows there are certain stresses at the end of the day, like making dinner, and she has the skills to communicate that she needs help, that will relieve stress. It's not that males are unwilling to do these things; it's just that she can't communicate it and he can't anticipate it. But if he knows what the problem is and he can help, his stress becomes lighter because success and problem-solving are what drive men.

On the other hand, if a wife complains of exhaustion because of her life, he hasn't succeeded in being the provider and problem-solver, and it increases his stress.

But shouldn't your partner know you need help without you asking for it?

Not at all. There is a big hurdle, which is a woman being willing to ask her partner for support.

She doesn't realize that men just need to be told the problem.

It comes down to brain structures and hormones. Under moderate stress, a woman's brain becomes eight times more active compared to a man's; his brain becomes active only under extremes. He's waiting for the emergency call, like the computer needs fixing, or dinner needs to be made. It's wired to the action part of the brain, not the emotional part.

A woman's brain is aligned to read subtle emotional and facial signals. She projects that on to why she feels frustrated, and it confuses him.

So our expectations of men are unfair?

Yes! Women have a huge list of unrealistic expectations of how men should be and how they need them to be, based on how they themselves think and react. Men have a lot of unrealistic expectations as well.

The reality is that women are stressed and men don't know what to do about it. That is stressful because if a man doesn't know how to solve a problem, he says forget it, but it's actually a major source of stress, because he can't benefit from the relationship. If he doesn't know how to make her happy and lower his stress, he'll give up and then no one is happy.

So the answer is?

There are a couple of really key things you need to do. First of all, it's about communication, especially about sex. The primary reason for marriage is sexual compatibility, passion. When the chemistry goes away, people rationalize that. But the romantic chemistry is the most important antidote to the stress of today. But there are other strategies, too.

Second, have a Venus talk. When women talk about problems with each other, it lowers their stress. They give suggestions and advice and solve problems at the same time. That's a moderate oxytocin-producing activity.

But when you start doing this with a guy, he'll jump in with a solution. It's frustrating, because you don't want the solution then, you just want to be heard and get it out. So what I'm suggesting is this: have an 'FYI problem download.' Confine your conversation to 10 minutes and talk about your problems. Don't ask him to think about it, solve it, or empathize. Ask him to just listen. It's an amazing experience, but your stress will go down more powerfully.

Third, have a Mars talk. If you have a problem to solve with your partner, discuss the problem without bringing feelings into the conversation. For example, if you say you're worried or afraid, and he says 'Don't worry,' you feel invalidated and that hurts. If you start getting emotional, stop and put the emotions aside. Stick to practicalities without involving emotional issues.

Of course, it's not the only way to talk in a relationship, but if you save the Mars talk for finances or parenting problems or any highly charged conversation, you can put it off till you're calm and you can think about your position.

Finally, don't overtalk. Talking about little stresses really stresses men out. Men have 30 times more testosterone than women -- that warrior hormone. So if you come to your husband with five complaints, a man's defence is to meet your five and add five more. That stresses women even more. You're talking to him about what's bothering you, but he's competing, so you don't feel safe about bringing up your issues. If you say to him, 'Just hear me out, you don't need to problem-solve this,' he won't need to top your complaints.

Another article

#1. Have you ever been called High Maintenance?

Women focus on relationships first then on everything else. If our relationships are going well, we have energy to give to other areas. If our relationships are not going well it becomes next to impossible to pay attention to anything else.

This is why women spend so much time needing to know where they stand in the relationship. It becomes their obsession. Men focus on job and career. Their identity is focused on being a good provider. This is their role. To them, if they are working, coming home and faithful it is a given that the relationship is stable and secure.

It confuses men when women need constant reassurance of their love. (They don’t realize this is a common trait among women and not an indication of neediness or insecurity.) As one man interviewed said, “I thought my relationship was great…we had fun together, we liked the same things, our sex life was great. It finally ended because my girlfriend always wanted to talk about the relationship and had to know exactly where it was going. She was constantly asking if I was happy enough with her. It finally got to be such a pain in the ass that I broke up with her.”

#2. Do you throw away your secret weapon to get a man to do whatever you want?

If you want the situation to change, you have to change yourself and your reactions. There are times when you have to swallow your pride or do things that seem unfair for the greater reward. Women don’t realize how important appreciation is for a man. This becomes your secret weapon. Women often get extremely upset when a man wants a reward for doing things that a woman does on a daily basis like taking the kids to school or picking up the dry cleaning.

I often hear, “Why should I make a big fuss if he puts the dishes in the dishwasher…he’s supposed to do that!” Women want their guy to be motivated to do more and are very unhappy with whatever is happening (or not happening) in their love lives but do not want to be the ones to take responsibility for it.

Unfortunately men don’t typically come to counselors asking how to make their relationships better. So ladies, you are the one who can do something about it. How difficult is it to praise him when he takes out the trash or does the laundry? Remember that most men simply haven’t been trained to notice things the way that women do. Most men weren’t brought up cleaning, cooking and doing the same domestic tasks that almost all women are trained to do from childhood. Therefore they do have to be reminded (gently) and praised for a job well done. (Even if it isn’t up to your strict standards.)

It may seem like manipulation and juvenile game playing. Call it whatever you like. If it gets you to your goal in the end, is it worth it to you? As one man said, “Every time I do some little thing for my wife she just lights up…It really makes me feel like “the man” and that I can make her happy…A real contrast to the girl I dated before her. She nagged me all the time about stuff I would have gotten around to doing eventually. I just ended up tuning her out. I want to do things for my wife because she makes me feel so good doing it!”

#3. Don’t panic. When he’s quiet its not about you.

Men have completely different needs than women do. The fact is, women often give to their partner the things they want in a relationship and expect to get it back in return. This really gets us in trouble. For example, women frequently process their problems by talking them out with other people…”venting.” They don’t need solutions. They really need to be heard, validated and consoled. They like to be asked, ”What’s wrong?” and then have the other person empathetically listen to their woes.

Women are great at supporting other women in this manner. Men do not typically discuss their problems with lots of people. If they do it might be very brief and not filled with many details. I frequently hear about arguments that start because women think they are being “helpful.”

It starts when they notice their partner being distant or quiet. The woman automatically thinks something must be wrong. So they ask and get short one line replies to their questions. The guy doesn’t want to talk about it…answers nothing is wrong and gets irritated with her invading his space. Then she gets paranoid that it’s about her and becomes needy.

This starts a vicious circle that often had nothing to do with her in the beginning
but soon becomes about her. It generally ends with her crying, him rolling his eyes,
not caring and thinking she is too high-maintenance for him.

One guy interviewed said, “Everytime I had something going on at work I just wanted to chill out in the garage and work things out in my head. I didn’t want her bugging me all the time…asking me what’s wrong and wanting me to talk about my feelings. I didn’t want to talk about it…it’s humiliating. But instead of her leaving me alone she would come and find me and pester me. Then she’d start crying about how I didn’t spend anytime with her and how I didn’t open up to her and all that crap. Then we’d end up fighting about that and it seemed like nothing I’d say could make it better. It drove me nuts and eventually we just broke up over it.”

Ladies, sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We bring it on ourselves simply by not understanding how men see our actions. The point is, the great majority of breakups and heartache is easily avoided just by understanding how men think and respond to situations.

Then you can devise the best plan of action. Women often sabotage what would be great relationships simply because they expect men to think and feel the same way they do. Therefore when he has acted poorly he must be a creep and uncaring. By understanding the male mind you can avoid much of the heartache many women go through.


Sekadar berkongsi ilmu dan buat muhasabah diri.. ;) Nak tahu lagi.. kenalah baca buku berkenaan ya.. Aku sendiri pun tak habis baca lagik.. banyak sungguh buku nak kena baca nie..
Saja letak gmbr tuh.. bagi panas sikit


10 comments:

kakpah said...

lelaki dan wanita dicipta untuk saling melengkapi. Dan memasing mempunyai kendiri yang berbeza.
.
. kalau semua baik-baik je, tak de la percakaran dan terlalu perfect lah dunia. Para syaitan pun tak de kerja lak.. kah..kah..

julietchun said...

mentang2 kat sana panas sesaje jek ltk gamba panas.:D Hidup ini seharusnya saling melengkapi tak kiralah dari planet mana kita dtg yer :D

one love said...

sangat berguna!

seriously :)

Cikgooden (Selumbar Emas). said...

bila terpandang gambar tu...jiwa rasa gelodak len macam pulak dah..he he he.

hang ni...haih.

kakpiah said...

apo pon.. piah nak bitawu yg piah from taiping with love..

ngeh ngeh :D

iina said...

Kak Pah

Yo kak.. den setuju tuh.. ;)

Juliet

Planet mana tuh? mars? pluto? zuhal?

Nurul

Thanks ;)

Cikgooden

Aik.. cepat2 ler balik kg ;)

Piah

kim salam rindu ngan tepeng.. kalau lalu tg malim.. kim salam buat akak ko nie.. ;)

Mak Su said...

gamba polok-polok.. ahaks. ingatkan cerita apa tadi ;p

oh.. iya ler, tang mana datangnya women and men ni ek? dari planet kezambo kot. ahaks

iina said...

Mak Su

gmbr polok2 yo.. namo pun gmbr yo.. bkn bebetul ahaks.. planet kezambo wahhh.. cam ponah donga yo ;) hehehe

aNIe said...

iina...cik abang ada beli buku tu...tapi akak tak baca pun...cuma yang akak tau...orang laki dan orang pompuan ni...banyak perbezaannya...dan kita dijadikan untuk saling melengkapi...

Bila kita ditakdirkan untuk bersama...maka kita kenelah berusaha untuk memahami pasangan kita dan menerima dia seadanya...serta memperbaiki apa yang kurang dan merapatkan jurang yang terdapat antara kita...

iina said...

kak Anie

Saya sendiri pun tak sempat nak habiskan baca.. baca ikut bab mana yang interesting jek lompat2.. Yup kak agree.. kita kena sama2 usaha.. kena sama2 cuba faham dan memahami.. mula2 mmglah kita byk buat silap tapi lama2 insyallah kan ;)

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